oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
