i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
