i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
