come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
