I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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