My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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