he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
