dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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