then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
