He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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