Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
