Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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