I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
