Can i not drive my cunt home
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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