so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
