I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
