Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
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We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize