I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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