So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
