I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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