I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
