Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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