If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
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