Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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