I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
