Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
