I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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