11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
