sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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