Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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