Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
