It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
