just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
