oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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