I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel