rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do vagina's smell?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.