You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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