No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My penis needs a shock collar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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