it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
