you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
