Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My vagina is very pro this idea
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
