My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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