Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.