Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.