So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.