I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
