Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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