dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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