If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
