you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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