so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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