if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
