smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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