Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
