if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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