i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
