it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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