I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
