just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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