I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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