OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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