Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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