Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
